The Loss of my Parents

This is the post I have dreaded writing for months. I actually started writing this at the end of March, on the six month anniversary of my mom’s death. I felt I was finally ready to write about it, but once I started, words began to fail me. I took a break from writing the post and planned to come back to it once I gathered my thoughts. Little did I know that a couple of days later, my world would be rocked again when I lost my dad. Amazing how things can change so quickly. If you follow me on social media or know me personally, then you already know all that has happened in my life since last fall, but it didn’t feel right not addressing it on my blog. It’s one of those things where I felt like I should document it, but then it also makes me sick to my stomach to document it, because it’s yet another reminder that this is, in fact, my real life and not a bad dream that I keep hoping I will wake from. I have discovered so many grief-related accounts on Instagram, mostly daughters and sons like me that are grieving a parent. I find that their posts are so relatable, and I envy their ability to so eloquently put into words exactly what this feels like. I have tons of words, thoughts and feelings, but they all swirl together and seem impossible to articulate to others. As you grow older, you start to realize there are things in life that are inevitable, like knowing that one day you will lose people you love. Even so, I don’t think anything can prepare you for the loss of a parent. Whether it is expected or sudden, the great loss you feel is still the same, and grief is not something you can truly understand unless you live through it. I have learned that grief is not a stage. It’s not the next “step” that comes after losing someone, and then you get past it and move on with life. Grief becomes a new part of your life that will never go away. Others say that over time, it becomes a bit easier to live with, but it will always be there. I have been pretty open and tried to share my honest thoughts and feelings on Instagram, and honestly I could share a lot more, but I hesitate because I am not looking for pity, and I also do not want to bring anyone around me down. This is heavy, depressing stuff. However, the times when I have opened up and shared what I’m feeling in that moment, I receive so many messages from you all, thanking me for sharing this journey because you, too, are living through this same unfortunate stage of life. Others have messaged to tell me that they have not gone through this yet, but it has made them realize that they need to hug their parents a little tighter, call them a little more often, and spend more quality time with them. So very many of you have messaged to simply tell me you are praying for me, thinking about me, or to share a special quote, song or post that could bring me comfort. I cannot tell you how much this community means to me and how humbled and overwhelmed I feel by the love and support. I still cannot believe this is my life (and ohhhh how I wish it wasn’t), but if I can help at least one of you to feel that you’re not alone, then that helps me to fulfill my purpose here, which is to make a difference in someone’s life.

On September 27, 2021, my precious mama was called to her forever home. While she had been sick off and on since having COVID in the spring of 2021, we all thought (doctors included) that she was just dealing with post-COVID issues/symptoms and the doctors all said it could take months to get over, so everyone was shocked when she rapidly declined within a period of days. She was hospitalized and was in critical condition for the first 36 hours, but then she started to show signs of improvement and the doctors were cautiously optimistic that she was headed in the right direction. On her 4th night in the hospital, I received a call around 1:30am from a frantic nurse telling me there had been a change in my mom’s condition. By the time we got to the hospital, they told us she was gone. I truly cannot explain the visceral reaction I had to hearing those words. It was like an out of body experience – “Is this really happening???” Even to this day, I still have so many unanswered questions and things I replay over and over again in my head. What happened that night? Was she scared? Was she in pain, or did she go fast? Why didn’t we get a chance to say goodbye?? Would things have been different had she received care from a different hospital or a different set of doctors? Guilt, questions, lack of closure – all things that are normal when you lose someone you love unexpectedly, but I have also found that those things can also quickly take over your mind and lead you into dark places.

While the loss of my mom was a devastating shock, I still had my precious daddy and taking care of him became my main priority. He and my mom were married for 42 years, and they had a storybook type of love. They always used to say that when it was their time to go, they hoped they would go together because one didn’t think they could live without the other. I will never forget a couple of days after my mom died, my dad and I were talking and he reminded me that they always said they wanted to go together, and he just shook his head and cried. Seeing how heartbroken my dad was made my heart hurt even worse. For all the pain I was feeling, I am sure his was even greater – he lost the love of his life, his lifelong companion and best friend, the one he shared a home with for over four decades. As heartbroken as he was though, he tried to remain strong so as not to worry me and the rest of the family. On the day of my mom’s funeral, my dad and I were alone and I said to him “Daddy, you aren’t going to go and leave me now, too, are you?”…and he shook his head and said “Nope, I sure ain’t. I’m gonna stick around as long as I can, because I don’t think you can go through this twice.” Y’all…I burst into tears when that sweet man said that to me. That’s exactly the type of person he was though – always worried about others more than himself.

My dad was strong and healthy his whole life, and it seemed like once he began to approach the 80-year mark, he started having health issues. In 2019, he was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis (due to non-alcoholic fatty liver disease), but for the most part, it was being managed well and was under control. While physically he wasn’t as strong as he once was, mentally, he was sharp as a tack. In January of this year, he started experiencing recurring pleural effusions (build up of fluid between his lung and chest wall), which was caused by his liver disease. He had to go in for an outpatient procedure to drain the fluid every couple of weeks, and finally he was able to have surgery in late March that we hoped would fix the issue of the fluid build-up. The surgery went great and he was doing awesome post-surgery, but once discharged, he was struggling quite a bit. We thought it would just take time to fully recover considering his age (83) and all he had been through physically. On April 1, 2022, two weeks after he was discharged, I went over to his house to check on him like I did every day. My niece happened to be there, too, and he told us that he wasn’t feeling well, but he was still carrying on conversation like normal and even made a joke about it being April Fool’s Day. I checked his vitals and they were all out of whack, so I told him we needed to go to the ER (he was not happy to hear that!). The home health nurse who was keeping a check on him a couple of times a week happened to come over at the same time, and she agreed that he should go to the hospital. So I told daddy I was going to call an ambulance and the nurse and my niece stepped out of the room. As I was dialing 911, I heard a noise and looked over at my dad and he was dying right before my eyes. The nurse started CPR while I frantically told the 911 operator what was going on. I crawled up on the bed, held his hand and told him I loved him, then the paramedics arrived and worked on him for 30 minutes but never could get him back. Just like with my mom, it was all so unexpected. I still can’t get over the fact that I was talking to him like normal one minute, and then in the next he was leaving me; However, unlike with my mom, I was there with him, I saw how quick he went, and he knows I was there…and most importantly, I got to tell him one last time that I loved him. So while it was very traumatic, I do at least have some closure in that regard.

The day that we had to call 911 on my mom, her oxygen was dangerously low and she had become hypoxic. She told us that her mama was standing across the room holding her hand out (my grandmother passed away 20 years ago). Later that night when my mom was more stable in the hospital, she told me the story again of seeing her mom and she told me that she thought in that moment she was dying. Looking back, I feel like she stayed back and tried to fight for a few more days for the sake of her children and husband. When my dad was dying, I couldn’t help but think that mama was standing in the same room reaching for him, and when he saw her, there was no turning back. He was ready, and while he said six months prior that he was going to hang on as long as he could, I know he only stuck out these last six months for me. He was finally at a point where he knew I would be okay, and it was time for him to be with his bride for all of eternity. Now that both of my parents are gone, the ONE thing I cling to the most is that when my own time comes one day for me to go to my eternal home, I know that both of my parents will be standing there reaching for me…I can’t wait for that day.

Everyone says you shouldn’t dwell on the bad things and the “what ifs”, and that you should focus on the good times and special memories. That’s a lot easier said than done, but I can tell you there have been A LOT of good times, and A LOT of special memories over the years. I was incredibly blessed that two of the most precious people I’ve ever known in my life also happened to be my parents. The ones who raised me, nurtured me, and supported me through every stage of my life. They without a doubt had the biggest influence on me, and everything I am, I owe to them.