Surviving my Greatest Fear

I was blessed to have really special and close relationships with both my parents. My mom and I were thick as thieves when I was growing up. She was a homemaker so we spent a lot of time together – she was truly my first best friend. She was that “cool” mom that my friends all wanted to be around. My dad always had a solid presence in my life, but he was the sole provider for our household and was self-employed, so he worked a lot. He was usually a man of few words back then, and my mom was the social one with the outgoing personality, so he usually took a backseat to her. As I became an adult and my dad’s work started to slow down, we became close on a different level and really bonded more than I ever had with him as a child. We could relate on more things, and he would sit and tell me all kinds of stories about his childhood and life before my mom, he would come over and help tackle projects at our house, and he and Richard would bond over shared farming stories. My parents were the best of the best – they raised me in church, instilled strong values and work ethic in me, and taught me life lessons that molded me into who I am today. They made my childhood special, told me they loved me every time we parted or hung up the phone, gave me constant words of affirmation, and made me feel safe and protected.

I have been a worrier my entire life, and when I reflect back on that, it wasn’t that I worried about every little thing, such as school work, friends or boys…I mainly just worried about my parents. When I started elementary school, I remember having major separation anxiety from my mom. I had this constant worry that once she dropped me off at school for the day, something was going to happen to her while we were apart. I distinctly remember standing in the pickup line every day, and if I couldn’t see her car or if she was a couple minutes late, I would immediately start panicking that something had had happened to her. As I got older, I grew out of that, but I still worried about them on a regular basis. If there was ever a health scare or a doctor’s appointment, my stomach would be in knots until I got word that everything was okay. If I called them and they didn’t answer the phone or call me back within a reasonable amount of time, I would start worrying. If I went on a trip, I would worry that something might happen to them while I was away. I knew it was inevitable that one day my parents would no longer be here, but I could not imagine not having them in my life and truly felt like I wouldn’t be able to survive life without them. Sometimes I think having such a close and loving relationship can be a double-edged sword, ya know?

This isn’t a self help post where I will tell you to stop worrying today about what might or might not happen tomorrow. That’s easier said than done…and when you’re a worrier by nature, I just don’t think it’s something you can easily stop doing. My greatest fear in life has always been losing those closest to me, and now it has happened…but I honestly don’t look back and think “I sure wish I hadn’t spent all that time worrying” because I think the fact that I worried so much over them is just a testament to the special relationship we shared. What I will tell you is that even though I have worried about this exact thing my entire life and thought I could never handle it, I am here and still standing…I am surviving best I can. Some days I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out…but I’m here and somehow finding just enough strength to put one foot in front of the other. They say “the greater the love, the greater the loss” and that is so very true. There aren’t enough words to tell you how great the love was between my parents and me, and losing them has shattered my heart into a million pieces. The things I cling to now are all the memories of living the past 41 years of my life with the two of them as my parents. I also think a lot about the type of people they were and the impact they made on those around them. It inspires me to embody the same characteristics that made them so special – I want to be a positive reflection of them and I want to make them proud, so I will push forward and keep on surviving…one day at a time.